Self-coaching: thinking either-or


Empowerment Coaching Blog-Self Coaching 3 eng

Today I will risk saying that many of us are not fully aware of what words we use every day. And most of all, we don't realize that the words we use show how we think.


In turn, observation and the introduction of corrections in our "habitual vocabulary" can cause extremely beneficial changes in our lives.


Let me give you an example of a very innocent word that can be the source of a strong self-limiting belief. Or not 🙂 In order not to serve everything on the plate right away, I will first give examples of typical statements and I think, dear Reader that you can guess yourself ...


Do you ever hear or even make such statements:

  1. "I hate this job, but I have to pay my loan back."

  2. "Either I get a raise or I quit this company."


The innocent word that underlies these examples, this thought trap we get caught in is thinking EITHER-OR.

It is a very deceptive and often extremely limiting belief that we must choose between mutually exclusive possibilities.


Are you sure we don't have other options?


There are so many shades of gray between black and white. And the vast majority of human affairs fall into the area of various shades.


So let's try to look for the form of strong questions that will open up new possibilities for us:


  1. How could I work with satisfaction and at the same time pay off my loan safely? Or: what can I do to work with satisfaction and at the same time safely repay the loan? What depends on me and what is beyond my control?

  2. What is my need not met if I do not get a raise? How else can I fulfill this need in my current company? What would give me even more satisfaction than getting a raise? (!)


If your first reaction to any of these questions is: "that's psychological crap" - please consider the hypothesis that there is a very important message to you in this reaction.


On this occasion, I would also like to share a reflection on the typical way of thinking of people who earn little. Especially those who come from not very wealthy families. In the first place, these people focus on saving. On choosing according to the cheap price criterion. But it's a trap! Because the question you should ask yourself in the first place is:


How could I earn more? How can my family have more income? Do I know anyone who does it right? What can I learn from this person?


Again, this is an example of thinking that leads to solutions as well as takes us away from the problem area (reflected in this case as focusing ONLY on saving).


If you see the sense of the approach presented in this episode - use the questions as often as possible. It also tracks your habit-based thinking EITHER OR and be happy to get rid of it with questions like these. I can only say that I dug a lot of such "weeds" in my garden, especially in the garden associated with the family and being a "good father" or "good husband".


See also:

Self-coaching - difficult situations and NVC method

Self-coaching - GROW method

Assertiveness coaching

Why do we need Life Values? - ep. 1

How often do you have to and how often do you choose?